Daffodil 2 months ago

Dear thepaintingwitch,

It is normal and natural for you to feel as you do at the moment. It sounds like there is much going through your mind.

It looks like you are considering taking up painting again as well as exercising. Perhaps you are able to take small steps in one of these directions in the next few days?

As Laura said, please feel free to use this community as a safe place to share your experiences in the future.

Take good care,

💛 Anke, a member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team

thepaintingwitch 2 months ago

Thanks a lot Anke

Is the calmness that makes me feel weird. This morning we had to meet the lawyers and it gave me so much anxiety that I needed clonazepam to calm down afterwards.

I want to do a test and spend a couple of days alone to see how I feel with no distractions but the idea is a bit scary, still I need to do this now before going back home.

Is there a chance that this is just how things will be and I’ll be calm always? There are anger episodes but overall I don’t feel sad or anything.

Somehow I still feel that I have a father and will always do maybe that’s giving me comfort?

LauraCW 2 months ago

Dear thepaintingwitch,

Thank you so much for keeping us posted on how you are doing and please don’t apologise or think you are being negative. You are going through a lot and you are allowed to be honest about how you are feeling.

It sounds as though the Netherlands is quite isolating for you. I’m glad you have friends elsewhere that you can reach out to and taking some time off from work could be a good option. It can be so hard to know what we want when we are in the early stages of grief but if your instinct is that you need a break then I would say do what you feel is right and what you need.

Your dream sounds very upsetting and dreams such as yours can leave quite a mark can’t they? They can be hard to shake off. In terms of not wanting to cry in front of your little brother, it is only natural to try and protect others and of course I don’t know what sort of relationship the two of you have, but you may find that showing your emotions in front of him will help both of you and he may then feel more open about expressing his feelings too? 

It sounds as though things with your Mum are challenging. It is completely understandable that you are dreading occasions such as Christmas. I know it is easier said than done, but if you can, try and take just one day at a time. 

Going back to painting could be a lovely idea, even if you don’t feel ready just now, it could be something for the future. And exercising can help with stress, I personally love walking and I find it helps me process things in a really positive and peaceful way. I guess it’s about finding what works for you.

Sorry to hear you don’t have much confidence in your GP. It can be very hard to get the understanding you need in these situations.

Please know that we are always here to listen and we will always try to understand and support where we can .

Warmest wishes,

Laura, Marie Curie volunteer for the Online Community 

thepaintingwitch 2 months ago

Thanks for your words Laura

It’s indeed very confusing and tiring. Today is the day to collect his ashes and no one told me about it…

The only thing I knew is that someone would send me some urns to pick from, which never happened.

Today my mother showed up here asking if I chose anything cause today is the day. She and my older brother have conversations which I’m not included and they imagine that they told me about it.

I will not pick a Tupperware like urn on the fly because I’m not included on such important steps. The level of rage I felt is something I never experienced before, once again I had to make clear that these things are important to me.

Feels like no one cares about my father but me and is very isolating when you realised the you lost the only parent who liked you.

LauraCW 1 month ago

Dear thepaintingwitch,

I am so sorry to hear that you had such a tough day. The situation with your fathers ashes and subsequent conversation with your mum sound really challenging. It is natural to feel anger in the face of such loss and heart break. I’m sorry to hear that it has left you feeling more isolated. Do you feel able to talk to your mother and brother about how you feel?

I appreciate family dynamics can be very complex.

Take care and thank you for continuing to reach out.

Warmest wishes, Laura, Marie Curie volunteer for the Online Community Team.