Brave pants

Donna1276 1 year ago

3 replies

Hi all, I'm new here because it's taken me a while to put my brave pants on . My hubby of 28 years was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer just before Christmas last year. We have twin 18 yr olds and we've all just taken each day as it's come over the last year. However, I don't know why, this Christmas I'm really struggling to stay strong for him and our kids. I spend most of my "me" time crying where no one can see me as I don't want anyone to worry about me. We have no idea how long he has left with us. He's finished chemo and is now doing 4 weekly immuno. Docs have had to postpone immuno for last 3 weeks because his thyroid and kidneys aren't working properly. I am so scared because I can't help but wonder if this is the beginning of the end. I'm trying to stay positive for hubby and the kids, but inside I am freaking out. He is my soul mate, my bestie, and the best hubby and dad anyone could ever wish for. I can't bear watching him in pain, being tired constantly and just not being his old self. I wish I could take it all away from him

Daffodil 1 year ago

Hi Donna,

Thank you so much for finding the time and courage to share your experiences with this community. We are sorry to hear about your husband's diagnosis and continuing steps through therapy. It sounds like you and your 18-year-old twins have accompanied him on every step while he is living with terminal liver cancer for just over a year, and having this benchmark of time passing (with Christmas imminent), seeing the difficulties of his therapy delayed by physical problems, and seeing your husband in pain is very difficult. Your feelings of being scared and sad are very normal, and sound like they are a natural reaction to this situation. Many partners and carers of people living with terminal cancer will recognise themselves in your post.

You say you wish to stay positive for your husband and children, and it seems that this is creating additional pressure for you. Many carers in similar situations feel that they cannot show vulnerability and need to stay strong. However, it is very easy to lose sight of one's own health and wellbeing in those situations, and - as the saying goes - you cannot pour from an empty cup. By posting here, you have taken an important step in acknowledging that things are difficult for you. It sounds like you would like to look after yourself as well as your husband and children, which is very important for everyone involved. Thank you for reaching out.

If you have not seen it already, you may find the information on coping with feelings as a carer helpful that has been published on the Marie Curie website: Coping with Feelings as a Carer. I am also wondering whether you have considered respite care, which - if it is accessible to you - would give you and your family some time to avoid burning out?

I hope that other members of this community will be able to send thoughts, too. Please feel free to write here again if you like - or if you would like to talk to someone, the Marie Curie Support Line will be open throughout the Christmas period (details here).

Take care,

💛 Anke, a Member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team

Donna1276 1 year ago

Thank you so much for your kind words. Gonna get Christmas out the way, then figure out my next move

Daffodil 5 days ago

Hi Donna,

The new year has started, and I just thought I'd check how you are doing? It sounded like your Christmas, which was coinciding with your husband's continued immunotherapy (if I understood correctly), had all sorts of challenges and emotions attached to it. Now that the festive period is behind you, you may be able to reflect and think about your next move.

If you would like to talk about the current situation, the next steps, or just have a friendly ear to listen, please feel free to post again here or to call the Marie Curie Support Line, which is available during the normal hours again (8am to 6pm Monday to Friday, and 10am to 4pm Saturday to Sunday): 0800 090 2309.

Take good care,

Anke