Grief confusion after losing my father a few days ago

thepaintingwitch 3 days ago

7 replies

Hi, I’m new here.

My father passed away less than a week ago after six years battling terminal kidney disease and I feel strangely calm.

I’m on and off crying and I believe things are starting to click. This calmness brings me guilt in a way and also fear that overwhelming feelings might come in full force a little later on.

At the same time, I wonder if all this time with anticipatory grief is maybe making things a little easier?

I’m so confused. My biggest fear in life was losing my dad and here I am, at his place feeling calm. Make that make sense to me please?

Daffodil 3 days ago

Edited by Daffodil 3 days ago

Hi, thepaintingwitch,

Thank you very much for reaching out to this Community. I am very sorry to hear that your father passed away after a long illness. It cannot have been easy for you to anticipate his passing for years, and as you say, you have experienced anticipatory grief.

Emotions following the passing of a loved one can be very unpredictable and, in my experience, change without notice, too. Many bereaved people feel numb at times. It has only been a few days since your loss, and it is understandable that you are confused and processing both the events and your emotions.

It is important for you to look after yourself right now - and you have already taken a step by writing here. Please feel free to write again at any time. Many in the Online Community will have experienced (in their own way) what you are going through right now, and may be able to offer further support.

If you are able to, you might also want to reach out to a friend. Is there anyone who would be happy to, say, go for a walk with you?

You are not alone in your experiences and emotions, as little sense as they may seem to make.

Take good care,

💛 Anke, a Member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team

thepaintingwitch 3 days ago

Thanks a lot for your words Anke

I’m with family now and will be for the next five weeks before I go back to the Netherlands.

My concern, is that when I get back to my normal routine at home, things will come crashing over me and, because I won’t have the same support system my mental health and emotional state can really go downhill :(

Daffodil 3 days ago

Thank you for writing again, the paintingwitch! It is good to hear that you are with family for the next few weeks, and that you are able to support each other at the moment.

I understand that returning to a different country can be daunting. It sounds like this will be not only a geographical change for you, but also one of social circle and life rhythm. I was actually in a very similar situation (except the other way round, returning to the UK) when my dad died, so maybe I can share what helped me?

First of all, I took the advice of others (at first reluctantly) to take things around the time of the funeral one day, one hour, minute, or even one breath at a time. Also, taking little breaks (mentally and/or physically), say, for a cup of coffee or to look at a work of art, created moments of calm. Perhaps that is something you can consider for the next few days and weeks, too?

With regard to staying connected to people, no matter where they are, establishing a new habit of regular meet-ups or texts with family immediately after the funeral (in person or virtual, in smaller or larger intervals, depending on location and how things work best for everyone) has enabled me to carry those connections with me, so that the divide between the two spaces has shrunk. I have found that sending photos to each other, just to let us know we are thinking of each other, is a low-key but very reassuring practice that has become second nature by now.

From my experience, having a regular group of people to see - perhaps connected to a hobby or joint interest - can mark the passage of time with something to look forward to in a nice way. Is there any activity you have been wanting to pick up (again)? Then this might be something to consider.

Finally, as clichéd as it may sound, being out in nature every day, even just for a few minutes, can be invaluable. I take my phone to take photos when I spot something beautiful, and having done that both around my parents' home and back here in the UK has created another form of connection, to my dual-nation self, and to nature. Perhaps that is something that appeals to you, too?

I'm afraid I do not know about bereavement support in the Netherlands, but that may be something to consider investigating, too. And there are online resources on grief on the Marie Curie website that may also help beyond your time in the UK. (www.mariecurie.org.uk/information/grief)

I hope others in this Community can add further thoughts! And please do feel free to write again at any time.

💛 Anke, a member of the Marie Curie Online Community Team

LauraCW 3 days ago

Hello thepaintingwitch,

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your father. Grief can be so confusing and it is impossible to predict how we will feel from one day to the next which can be really disconcerting.

Anke has given some brilliant advice and I hope you have found that helpful.

I just wanted to write and say that your worry about ‘crashing’ is really valid and shows a lot of self-awareness, hopefully you will find support systems when you get back to the Netherlands, whether that is within your own friendship group, community support groups or possibly through your GP if you felt this would help. 

I have had a little look online and it looks as though there is a support group called The Bereavement Group Amsterdam which has a page on FB who may be able to help. There are also a couple of helplines called de Luisterlijn and 113 Zelfmoordpreventie who state that they support people with grief and loss so it might be worth looking them up if you feel they may be helpful? 

However you feel is real and valid to you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is such a challenging time and I hope that you can be kind to yourself.

Please know that you can always reach out to us here, even when you are back in the Netherlands, we will always try and support as best we can.

Warmest wishes,

Laura, Marie Curie Volunteer for the Online Community

thepaintingwitch 2 days ago

Thanks a lot to you both, all your words and resources are greatly appreciated.

I don't have much of a community in the Netherlands, mainly work friends. It's a very emotionally cold country and hard to integrate, even if you're fluent in Dutch. Unfortunately it will indeed be a more isolating experience than I would like to. 

I do have friends all over, a lot in london as I lived there for 10 years but is not that I can fly over every weekend, so there's that.

Today is one week since he passed and i had a strange dream where he was abandoning us and I was trying to find a phone ringing in his suitcase as he was waiting for a call from a woman. I cried quite a bit last night but I forced myself to stop as I didn't want my little brother to see it.

Regarding my time, I'm gonna ask for time off work until August as I don't want to go back and be angry or rude to people who have nothing to do with it.

I'm dreading the Christmas time, what am I gonna do? Where will I go?
My mother starting acting out again, she has her own problems but I don't think she acknowledges that her children are suffering, it has always been like this but I would imagine that at least now she would show some empathy.

About activities I wanted to take back... I've been considering, after years, to go back to painting. My father liked my illustrations so I guess it can be a way to be closer to him, I really don't know.

Medical treatment in NL - The GPs will give you paracetamol, say that "these things happen to everyone" and send me home, hence why all my medical care is abroad, or in London or in Brazil.

I want to start exercising again today as I believe it will help with the stress I'm feeling.

I'm sorry if I sound negative or even if the way of composing this message is confusing.

Thank you so much once again for all your support