Anticipatory grief

Rozlynn 1 month ago

3 replies

My partner was diagnosed and treated for a rare cancer just over a year ago. All seemed to go well until 9 months later he was told it had returned and was inoperable and incurable. Since then he has had more radiotherapy and chemo but the cancer has spread aggressively despite them. He now has 4-6 months to live and seems to encounter new symptoms and problems every week which often means he ends up in the acute oncology unit for more precious days. We have some simple, nice things planned ( make memories, people say!) but have had to cancel a couple already. I think I'm coping most of the time and then the thought of life without him - just the missing of him being there doing everyday things - hits me and it's agony. I'm anticipating life without him and feel almost breathless at the thought of it. At the same time, seeing him deteriorate and not knowing what more is in store or the timeline is almost unbearable. It's like you know you're going to be hit with a massive rock but don't know when it his it will happen. Does anyone else have experience of this and how do I cope?

Paulette 14 hours ago

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story at Marie Curie Community, Rozlynn. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your partner and how the cancer is incurable.  If all was well for nine months - it must be especially difficult to let go of hope and be able to cope within this period of time.  You describe your experience very vividly - '...a massive rock'.  I hope you can take some heart in the fact that you can verbalise and articulate how you are feeling as this may support you as you make sense of the situation and expressing your thoughts and emotions. The anticipatory grief that you describe so well is difficult but the awareness of this is allowing you to reach out. Navigating the 'here and now' but also the future must be challenging.  Words like agony and 'being breathless at the thought' demonstrate how hard this is for you. If you would like verbal support with Marie Curie the number is 0800 090 2309 and here you can speak with a nurse or trained support line officer. For 'making memories' it must be sad to have to cancel or put off plans you have made.  Perhaps memories can be made unexpectedly or through spontaniety - a conversation or kind gesture?  I'm curious to know - do you have someone, perhaps a family member or health worker to talk to as a form of support. I'm sending kind thoughts Rozlynn and thanks again for reaching out.      

Rozlynn 13 hours ago

Thank you for your helpful response. I do have great family support and some good friends too. In fact, I have an old friend who is going through the same thing ...his wife had a 3-5 month prognosis and has just moved into a nursing home for end of life care. So he and I talk a bit. Locally I have a Maggie's centre and the rare cancer nurses and S palliative care nurse but it's hard to switch from capable, strong, coping with everything mode ( especially as I have a frail 95 year old mother to care for too!) to vulnerable and admitting that it's me that needs support now.

Paulette 9 hours ago

That is wonderful that you have a range of people who you can talk to, who can understand your situation.  As you say, there is a vulnerable side which needs support and you are addressing this very well - it is difficult when others/ourselves percieve us as strong and capable, we may feel we have to 'keep this up' when what we feel inside is something very different. The 'Maggie centre' seems to be a source of positivity and a great resource. So you are also a carer for your mother who is frail - this must require a lot of time and energy...Within all that is happening, is there time for 'self care'?  Having just a bit of space to do something that makes you feel better - a favorite hot drink, a good book or a walk in nature or whatever you like. Sending kind thoughts your way.