Hello I’m new here…

Holliej90 1 month ago

3 replies

My lovely Nannie Sheila who is like my second mum has terminal lung cancer. I was with her at the appointment in March 2020 when she was told her diagnosis and that she would only have 12-18 months to live. My grandad was in the room but unfortunately he didn’t hear the doctor so I had to repeat the words to him, a moment that unfortunately will stay with me forever. I then had to make the dreaded phone call to my dad and tell him the news too.

My grandparents live in Spain and have done since I was a teenager. I have many fond memories of spending whole summers with them, and so many other lovely childhood memories, but now it’s incredibly hard feeling far away and not around the corner when my Nan is so poorly.

When my Nan got her diagnosis, it was during one of my visits to Spain but unfortunately Covid was starting and I had to get back to the UK before the first lockdown. Covid was not a good time for me, for obvious reasons but also because I couldn’t see my Nan. I’ve never had anything happen or lost someone close to me before. I gained a lot of weight, I drank a lot and I’m ashamed to admit but also got myself into a lot of debt. I was constantly looking for that quick burst of feeling better.

There’s been so many up and down moments throughout the past nearly 6 years of my Nans health journey. The longer time goes on, the more difficult I’m finding to navigate it all. People tell me I can’t believe she’s still here or we’re lucky that she’s still here because it’s 6 years on and she was only given 12-18 months. I don’t feel lucky, I feel like it’s a ticking time bomb. Every visit I’ve had since it’s so hard, and it’s that feeling of will I see you again when I say goodbye to come home.

This is where I am now… I used to speak to my Nan on FaceTime or phone every few days, now I physically can’t do it. I think about her all the time and I tell myself I need to call her, I want to call her but I can’t physically do it. I can’t explain it, I just can’t. I feel selfish and I feel guilty. I ask my dad all the time ‘have you spoke to Nan, how is she?’ I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago to tell her I’ve booked a flight to see her on the 7th February (I last saw her in March last year). Before then I spoke to her in November. That’s awful I know but I just can’t physically do it. No one around me understands and I can’t explain to them why either. What breaks me the most is what my Nan must think. But I feel paralysed.

Today my dad called me to say your nans not doing good and the cancer is now progressing. She won’t be going to hospital anymore for treatment, they’re going to come to their house and treat her at home. This is it. Is the 7th February too far away? I’m only going for the weekend, why am I not going for longer? Why am I not prioritising my Nan?

And my poor dad in all this, how must he be feeling?

It’s a lot, I’m struggling, and I’m not sure if me not being able to speak to her is normal but that’s where I am.

If you read this, I appreciate that you took the time to read it.

Paulette 1 month ago

Holliej90

Thank you so much for reaching out on the community and sharing your experience with us.  Nannie Sheila obviously plays a really big part of your life and since the diagnosis back in 2020 you must have went through such a range of emotions and now you find yourself a bit stuck when it comes to contact with her - but you have a visit planned for February and a message from your Dad that she is not doing too well - this shows that even a bit stuck you are making tremendous efforts to be there for her.  It is clear that Nannie Sheila is very much on your mind and you are wondering why it is tricky to go that step further - please do not be hard on yourself as it is really perceptive of you to acknowledge this.  Grief hits us all differently with many stages which are individual to us - there can be denial, exhaustion, anxiety and even distancing yourself for your own well being perhaps. You are worried about your Dad and how he is feeling - is there scope for a heart to heart with him?  Do you have an outlet for your feelings? A weekend may just be a fitting amount of time, where things feel uncertain - sometimes our instincts and gut feelings can lead us in directions to keep us safe and you are clearly heartbroken.  I understand you do not 'feel lucky' in terms of gaining extra time with Nannie Sheila and this makes sense, you were given a time line and have prepared for that. Do you feel you are running on empty? You are 'struggling' but have managed to reach out and thank you. There are also other supports within Marie Curie: 0800 090 2309 is the number of the support line for phone chat, which is open to 6pm. 

Daffodil 1 month ago

Edited by Daffodil 1 month ago

Hello Holliej90,

my name is Anke, and like Paulette, I am a volunteer at Marie Curie. I was sorry to read about your Nannie Sheila's diagnosis and that she is now in the palliative stage of her care. It sounds like you have had a difficult and exhausting few years.

In your post you acknowledge that you attempted to feel better by eating, drinking, and spending money, which, understandably, has not served you well; and it sounds like you are looking for more positive ways forward that guide you through your nan's final days as well as serving you well in the future. Thank you for writing here - I hope other members of this forum will feel comfortable to share their experiences with you. As Paulette mentioned, the Marie Curie support line offers a friendly ear, information, and support, too, in case you would like to talk to someone and perhaps receive information on how to deal with any of these specific issues .

With regard to the immediate future: I know from my own experience how hard it can be to be separated from elderly family by countries. Technology can help - as you have experienced - but I hear that you have felt unable to talk to your Nanny Sheila directly for a while for various reasons. You have planned a trip to see her, and from how you describe her, she will look forward to seeing you? Do you think you might like to let her know that you are coming (perhaps in writing, if there is someone there who can read your message out to her, or via a voicemail or video recording, so that it does not have to be 'live' and is therefore perhaps a bit easier for you)?

It is important at this time to take one day at a time, and one step at a time, for everyone's wellbeing. If you would like to talk about little steps you are planning to take, or taking, in the next week or so until you are on your flight - or indeed beyond - please feel free to write here or give the support line a call.

Take good care,

💛 Anke, a Member of the Marie Curie Online Support Team

LauraMC1 10 days ago

Hi Holliej90,

How are you doing? 
I just thought I would check in as I can see it is this weekend coming you have your trip planned to see your Nanny Sheila and just wanted to see how things were and to say we are thinking of you.

Warmest wishes,
Laura (member of the Marie Curie Information and Support Team)