Another very sad newbie

ChrissyP 9 years ago

4 replies

Hello. I'm chrissy and my new husband is in the final few weeks of his life.  Maybe weeks is optimistic.  He was only diagnosed in October 2014 and has spent 3 months in hospital having intense chemo, none of which has worked so he came home 3 weeks ago. Neither of us have really come to terms with the diagnosis even, so facing this is like the worst nightmare you could ever have.  He's still in denial and talks of when he can drive/work again. 

Sorry there's nothing I'm really asking. He's only 62.

Mosscolerne 9 years ago

Hi Chrissy, I'm new here too, my mum, 76 is in final stage ovarian cancer, sleeping a lot, refusing food and most drinks, and today all her medication although still attending her chemo this afternoon (if they give her it depending on bloods results taken yesterday) in total denial of her condition keeps a saying "I'm saving my strength" whenever I suggest not using the wheelchair, my dad is 86 although very fit for his age, and between us (I live 40 miles away) being her only support. I think Dad knows the end may be near, but at least I've managed to stop constant battles over food, which was causing a lot of aggro. I feel for you, 'the elephant in the room' is very isolating, and hard as the strain of maintaining a positive pretence is exhausting. Stay strong, we are trying . 

ChrissyP 9 years ago

Thank you, I'm sorry you are going through it too, but it is nice to talk to someone who really understands. The battles are very wearing, It seems like I have to fight with him over every little thing and I don't fuss about anything that doesn't involve him simply being safe. Your last couple of sentences are so true, without realising it I am supporting my family too.  

I wish you and your mum and dad well and thank you for responding.  X

SUZIE 9 years ago

Hi Chrissy. I am so sorry to read your very sad news.  You say he is your new husband, which undoubtedly compounds your sense of loss.  This is an incredibly challenging time for you personally so it is important that you take care of your own well being.  Do you have a supportive GP with whom you could seek some support?  I wonder do you have a network of family and friends supporting you also?  I do hope that you have people you can talk to and I hope that this Community can be a support to you in the coming weeks and months.  I lost my husband two months after we married and when we both just 29 years old.  We had a similar scenario in that my late husband didn't want to know his prognosis and only ever talked of getting well.  This was clearly the way he wanted to deal with his diagnosis, however, this was at odds with the professionals involved in his care and I had to battle to keep his terminal prognosis from him.  I wonder if your husband feels the same way and is choosing to hope rather than face the reality?  This is challenging for you as there may be conversations you want to have about his wishes, things you want to say to him.  You may find that as the end sadly nears he will verbalise his thoughts and feelings more. I wonder also if you have the necessary practical measures in place to support his care at home?  If not, you can talk to his palliative care team about an occupational therapy referral and they may provide aides in the home to assist safe movement and safe care.  There may also be support available to you from the district nursing team, hospice at home service or even volunteers, to help you with his practical needs and, equally as important, to give you some respite.  Do please pop back onto here to let us know how you are both doing and please take comfort from knowing that you are in my thoughts. xx

ChrissyP 9 years ago

I am so sorry to hear about your husband Suzie. I have had lots of advice and support after he had to spend three months in hospital so we were well set up for his return home. He dislikes all reminders of hospital so many of the aids had to go back as he wouldn't use them. He is fiercely independent and will try to do things as before. He was a very fit and lively man until last autumn so is struggling to accept that he cannot do what he used to. I am taking my lead from him while talking about the future, I don't want to pop his bubble and make him face up to what seems to be the inevitable. 

One of the biggest helps for me is the occasional night relief that Marie Curie provides but I'm worried they might withdraw it as his behaviour is considered 'challenging'.  My family are being amazing but he has been home for almost a month now and naturally people have their own lives to resume.