Khandarohi
1 year ago
Edited by Khandarohi 1 year ago
"Arent you jumping the gun?"
"But it might not come to that?"
This is what is being said to me as someone whose cancer has returned and is travelling along my lymph nodes whilst I wait for further scans.
I am preparing for end of life and everyone is saying these statements to me. My GP, my consultant, my friends, my family, counsellors, landlord, my cleaner, my carers, nurses, death doula's, hospital chaplains. EVERYONE!
Even at the coffee morning drop in at my local Hospice where anyone is welcome to come talk about death..they are saying this.
This is my reply:
Imagine you are in a ship that is sinking. You do not know how big the hole is in the bottom of the ship and everyone is telling you to not think about it or look overboard.
What would be of greater comfort? To get a life boat ready or hope you get to dry land before the ship sinks.
Most of us wait till the ship is nearly sunk and then frantically scramble. This means even if we get onto the lifeboat, its not stocked up with lots of blankets, food, drink, first aid kit etc etc.
This is why a lot of people upon diagnosis of terminal illness start to begin preparations for death straight away. Its not because they dont want to live or fight the condition. It is because they want to set up the lifeboats BEFORE they try to stop the ship sinking. Which is the logical plan to be ok no matter whether the ship sinks or not! xx
People do not want to delay these jobs and be doing them when the illness has made them very weak & exhausted. This is why they do them straight away.
The best way to support your loved one is to help them save energy by helping them complete the tasks, rather than being reluctant to support them doing these things. This will mean the tasks might be completed really fast & they and you can relax with your awesome custom built 5 star lifeboat in place.
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Here is what I did;
Upon diagnosis of the return of my cancer ................
I gave away my cat
I cleared my home of all possessions that do not support or have become redundant in the face of the new situation! (I can always buy them again later...if things change...Its lovely to shop. And I now have a spacious home..much nicer!)
I cleaned everything so that it is ready for the next tenant. I made everything beautiful for them.
I left a treasure hunt of special gifts for the next tenant to discover with a note saying "from previous tenant to next tenant!"
I found all the instruction manuals for each appliance I have and have attached them to the machines/devices.
I have polished and buffed all these devices so they are like new.
I have given my most precious heirlooms to those who will get the most joy from them.
I have set up my home to be optimum for palliative care with everything in my favourite place.
I have bought a large amount of favourite ready meals and bulk stored them in a freezer.
I have placed signs all around my home with instructions for carers...this is because with care agencies...new people come in who dont know the care plan or where anything is.
I bought a selection of flat clearing flat packed boxes & have put a sign on them saying please use & where I want the stuff to go with phone numbers.
I have written my will
I have written the executor instructions and provided links for the executor where t go online for each company that needs informing.....the web pages are very beautifully written for bereaved people by each business.
I have prepared my funeral as a surprise gift that will absolutely blow everyone's socks off. It is full of so many incredible quirky features! The best one is where the flower display is as huge as possible and the guests all take some of the flowers home with them!
I have bought the most amazing dress, so I will look absolutely divine with no expenses spared, for my body if its on display & for the cremation ceremony.
My whole plan makes it so the people I leave behind find me there helping them & supporting them. My messages continue. They can still hear me. I am bossing them around from beyond the grave.
I have cancer growing and I have spent 2 weeks overexerting, to the point where I neglected to sleep and had less food. I became incredibly tired. BUT I was doing exactly what made me most happy. I got an inconceivable amount of pleasure from doing this. My heart feels pure. I feel like a saint. Like if secured a transition to a celestial realm if there is one!! I am telling you that if someone found me scrubbing the ktichen at 2am & asked me to stop they would have been making a huge mistake. The correct thing would have been to join in or offer to help do it the next day together.
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With this plan in place & all the jobs completed, I feel I can completely relax and completely let go when the time comes. I am hoping to have paid for everything including a large flower display when the moment arrives.
Now my cancer may be mild for a long time but I will succumb. It will stop responding to treatment but I can completely relax and let go.
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A lot of people who are dying want to fly away. They want to let go. But they feel tethered by responsibilities, unfinished business, unfinished tasks, unresolved issues, incomplete conversations, an inability to get their loved ones to do the final conversation, up and coming appointments/meetings where they feel they "should be there still" so they dont let people down. Often they are tethered by their loved ones, Their loved ones hold them in this world & so the illness becomes more advanced & they suffer more physically from the advanced symptoms. They are tethered by life support machines, with tubes down their throat that give them a gagging relax. This tethering is like hell.
The best gift you can give is each time you meet them to finish the meeting by encouraging them to fly away & let go completely telling them you have everything in hand regarding their estate, their pets, their children, etc etc. Then say goodbye & really mean it that you are setting them free. Tel them to fly up to the sky & you will meet them there. Say go be with name people who have died who they love.
This will be incredibly comforting to them. I think it is the most comforting thing for someone who is dying.
The second most is to let them know you are a pitbull who is going to ferociously guard their right and palliative wishes to the very end without holding back. And that you will fulfil every one of their final wishes exactly how they asked you to. And that you are going to be ok. Even if you are not ok...you are GOING To be ok.
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This is my experience & I hope it is ok to share with you xxxxxx I hope it helps you and your loved ones & society, medical professionals, counselling professionals, palliative professionals, carers and government.
