TheHodCarrier 10 years ago

Edited by TheHodCarrier 10 years ago

Hi Chel15

'I just don't know how we can all bounce back again its like we are robots just dong the daily chores, I miss them so much it psychically hurts.'

I don't have an answer to this - I see earlier posters have made some suggestions - but we are definitely NOT robots. It affects most people when a loved-one dies, and losing 2 loved ones is obviously worse. I'm not sure, myself, whether you should try to force yourself out of what you described - what I would call 'a deeply numbed state following bereavement' or whether you should just wait until something improves. I don't think that most people ever get back to 'where they were before' but I think that most people will 'get to somewhere 'a bit more normal'' over time, although that could be a couple of years or more.

I don't think it is unusual to be deeply affected by death, and I'm not sure that trying to be 'falsely positive' is a good thing - it is not a nice thing to go through, when someone you deeply care about dies,

                                      Best wishes, Mike 

abbeygordon82 8 years ago

Edited by abbeygordon82 8 years ago

Hi my 6 year old son lost his daddyafter a short fight against cancer it was so fast. He was my ex partner who see his son every week without fail and had him pretty much when he wanted as we had a good relationship to do so.he was diagnosed in June 16 and passed away on the 1st Sept 16. I thought my son was doing ok wanting to visit his grave wrote him letters that he posted but I put in a jar on his grave. The tears had stopped after a few weeks which was weird as they were so close. One day at school he said to his teacher that after school he was going to climb out of his bedroom window jump off my roof just to be with daddy. I'm not sure if that was my fail as I've said daddy is now in a happy place pain free and enjoying himself. His certainly not scared of dying as he does mention he cant wait to die to see daddy again. I'm devastated to say the least as I'm have no idea what to do. His on a list. For counselling but he seems ok considering but I'm really not sure. He asks to visit his grave weekly and he talks to him as I his still here. I have to hold back the tears as I'm still trying to deal with my son losing his daddy as I never pictured it to be so soon. Its heartbreaking to hear him quite happily to say he wants to die to see daddy again. I've said daddy doesn't want you to go to heaven not. Just yet but his response is doesn't daddy want to see me.. Not sure if I'm telling him the right things or making him want to leave me. I'm in need of some help please x

Sally 8 years ago

Dear AbbeyGordon82, 

I'm not qualified to say anything useful and I don't have children but I think your son's grief is too much for you to deal with alone.

I would start by pressing for that counselling to come as quickly as possible, (do tell them what your son has said about jumping out of the window if you haven't already).

Perhaps in the meantime you could read some children's books about bereavement together or ask his dad's friends to take him out without you and talk about their memories of his dad and tell him they miss him so that it gives him the chance to talk without upsetting you. You may have already done all of that.

And I personally think it wouldn't hurt for him to see you upset occasionally - tears are normal, even if yours have a slightly different reason they all come from the same loss. You'll know better than me if that feels okay.

I've heard good things about the Cheltenham-based charity Winston's Wish which specialises in child bereavement. https://www.winstonswish.org.uk/ Support line 08088 020 021 

My dad died when I was 41 and I had no idea how to cope with the devastation I felt. Most people would have thought that I seemed okay because I didn't know how to express my feelings. Your son is so little, how could he do what an adult struggled with? You've done the right thing asking for professional counselling. 

Make sure you get support for yourself too, lean on your friends even if they've heard it all before, join child bereavement groups. I hope you get help soon. Look after yourself.

Best wishes to you and your little boy.  
Sx